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Until Death Do Us Part: Losing a Spouse Three to Six months After Loss

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:14:19 GMT

By now most of the big stuff is probably done. The thank you notes have been written and mailed. The marker or head stone has been placed or you’ve found a place for the urn. You’ve probably filed for the life insurance, and perhaps you’ve even begun to clean out his closet.

You may be wondering, what have I missed?

· Have you changed the titles to the car?

· Put the deed to the home in your name?

· Have you changed the utilities and cable service into your name?

· Is your medical power of attorney up to date?

· Have you updated your estate plan or will?

· Have you spoken to an accountant or tax expert about any tax consequences associated with gifts you have made or increased allocations from IRA or investments?

How about you? What are you doing to take care of you?

· Are you up-to-date with your health and dental care?

· Are you eating well?

· Are you learning to cook or have you gotten someone to mow the lawn?

· Have you had lunch or dinner with a friend?

· Have you done something fun? A movie? Golf? A ballgame?

Scientists tell us there is a hand/mind connection. Doing things with our hands actually increases our sense of well-being. Even simple chores such as washing the dishes, preparing your meal, or even making your bed help to provide purpose and a natural routine. Why not step outside of your box and try something creative that you used to enjoy doing or have thought about trying? Don’t discount the value of a craft, woodworking or art project.

Finally, see people. Human contact is vital to your new normal. If your friends and family aren’t calling you, then call them. Look for a movie you would like to see, a museum you would like to visit, or a restaurant you would like to try and ask someone to join you.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Writing the Thank You Notes

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:10:55 GMT

Writing thank you notes is usually one of the very first “after the funeral” tasks you will undertake. You may be surprised to find that your brain/hand coordination is not working so well. You sit there with pen in hand and well-formed thoughts in your head, but somehow it all gets lost between the head and the paper. Don’t despair. This is normal and it’s all part of the grief journey. You are not thinking straight now, but you will again soon.

First, let’s tackle who gets a “thank you” and then I can give you a few wordy ideas to help you get started. Anyone who made a donation or sent flowers should get a thank you note from a family member. You will also want to send a note to people who helped. Maybe they provided food or took care of the dog for you or picked up people at the airport. All of those folks should receive a note of thanks. You do not need to send notes to people who sent condolence cards, emails, or texts.

Your words can be brief. No one expects a long letter from you at this time. It is just nice to know that the flowers arrived, or the donation was received. Your kind friends just need to hear thank you.

Thank you for all your kindness ….

Your help meant so much to us….

We all loved the broccoli, thank you for taking care of us ….

Your flowers were so beautiful and such a comfort to us ….

For some, these are written the day after the funeral. Everyone sits around the kitchen table to write the thank you notes and everyone laughs as more than a few notes are torn and tossed in the trash. This may be the first laughter heard in several days.

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Death and Taxes

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:08:30 GMT

Death and taxes (seemingly unlikely bed fellows at first glance) are often linked together because they have long been considered unavoidable life events. Some even say they are the only two things that are certain in life. Neither is something people typically look forward to, but they are both events that are anticipated and can be prepared for in advance.

This is the time of year when folks hope they have prepared well for their taxes. Even in these difficult times, taxes are something that can’t be ignored and must be taken care of. Most people prefer to get a tax refund rather than a tax bill. They hope the calculations have been made correctly and the payments made throughout the year will be enough to offset the sting of a big tax bill come April 15 ^th .

Hmmm… come to think about it, most folks don’t typically look forward to a big funeral bill at the end of their life either. Few want to leave their family responsible for funeral costs. However, many people don’t plan to offset that expense like they do their taxes.

Even though most people, 62.5 percent according to the National Funeral Directors Association ’s (NFDA) annual Consumer Awareness and Preferences Study, think it’s important to plan in advance. Only a small percentage (21.4 percent) actually act on their good intentions. Why? They have the perception that prepaying is too costly.

Most people are unaware that prepaying does not mean you must pay in one single payment. Many funeral homes offer specialized programs that allow funerals to be paid in advance, just like taxes, in small, easily-digested bites. Payments can be made on a variety of schedules allowing the consumer the opportunity to choose how long to stretch out payments and how often to make those payments. Individuals can even choose to make one payment per year! That means a person could choose to put their tax refund toward their funeral.

What about that roughly one quarter of people who do go beyond thinking they should make a funeral plan and actually make one? How do they feel once they have their plan in place? Ahh, they feel good. Funeral planners often say they see shoulders go down, hear audible sighs of relief and get hugs at the conclusion of a planning session. It’s like cleaning out the junk drawer: something most folks put off, but when they dig in and get it done, it feels so good they just keep going back to sneak a peek at that drawer all in order.

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Dad Died. What Do I Do with the Pills?

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:05:32 GMT

Prescription medication is expensive. Just that fact can be an understandable motivation for some risky business. When my father died, my mother was asking everyone, “Aren’t you on blood pressure medicine? You take this heart pill don’t you? What do you take for depression?” Her plan, no waste. My mom will also save four string beans when dinner is over. The beans I can live with, the pills I think we are treading on thin ice. It’s just best to follow the FDA recommendations.

In order to keep drugs from falling into the wrong hands (children, pets, and addicts) the FDA recommends that you dispose of all medication as soon as possible. They suggest three options.

Take Back Programs :

These are periodic events scheduled in your community for a specified date and time. In addition, some communities have permanent collection sites, you can find the location of permanent collection sites at the FDA website .

Disposal in Household Trash:

Many medications can be disposed of in the household trash following this process.

Mix - the pills with dirt, cat litter, or coffee grounds. Do not crush the pills

Seal – the mixture in a plastic bag

Throw – the bag in the household trash

Scratch – scratch the information on the prescription label off the bottle and discard

Flushing down the toilet:

FDA recommends that a short list of drugs be immediately flushed. These drugs are dangerously addictive for children and others who have not been prescribed the medication. A complete list of these drugs is posted on the FDA website .

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Mother Died…How Long Do We Keep Her Things?

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:02:45 GMT

Separating from a loved one’s belongings is one of the more difficult jobs you will have to do after a death. It is amazing how much is collected over a lifetime. You probably won’t get it done in a day and you will probably shed a few tears.

Ask for help. Accepting and asking for help is harder than you might think. It is hard to turn over the decision of what goes and what stays to someone else. If your offer of help is refused, be understanding. Your mother may need to handle every one of your deceased father’s possessions before anything can go. Give her some time and then offer to help again a little later. Offering to box or bag after items have been sifted through is a huge help.

If you are the decision maker, consider providing some guidelines and then letting go. It’s a big job. Some help will be nice.

First contact your family members to determine what they might be interested in having. Give people some notice and a time limit, “If there is anything that you want from Mom’s wardrobe please come and get it before next week. I am going to sort through then and will be giving things to charity.”

Second, make it a goal to handle things once. To keep you on track, get boxes, bins or bags and mark them FOR CHARITY, FOR TRASH, TO KEEP. Keep those boxes moving. At the end of the day take the trash to the trash and the charity to the donation site so that you won’t be tempted to go through them just one more time.

If you are thinking about having a sale, think long and hard. People haggle at tag and garage sales. Are you emotionally prepared to dicker over the value of your dad’s favorite tie or his collection of fishing lures? Might it be better to think of his things finding new homes with people who need them? Sales are a lot of work, be kind to yourself, avoid taking on too much.

Procrastination won’t make the task easier. If you cannot take care of the sorting and giving, turn the job over to someone else. If you are a procrastinator, storage units have your name written all over them. Calculate the annual cost. Ask yourself, “What will change between now and next year?” Have a plan. When does the storage end?

Memories are attached to our stuff. You will no doubt take more than a few walks down memory lane. Slow down and enjoy the journey. A life is over, but it’s not forgotten.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Too Little Too Late  - A Memorial Gone Wrong

christy@ledfordfamilyfh.com (Christy Ledford) — Fri, 20 Dec 2024 21:32:09 GMT

Yesterday, Jane was on duty as a tour guide at a lovely little pre-revolutionary war church in rural Virginia. It was late in the afternoon when a youngish woman wearing shorts and a Cubs ball hat stepped into the visitor’s center looking lost. Thinking that she might need directions, Jane quietly approached to offer her assistance. The seemingly lost young lady said she just wanted to go in the church.  

Since visitors were not allowed in the church without a docent, Jane began to accompany her guest to her destination. Striking up a conversation, Jane quickly discovered there was a story behind the sad eyes of her visitor. She revealed her name was Stella and she was here from Chicago. The pair talked a bit and Jane started to tell her about the church. As they walked and talked, Jane casually asked, “What brings you to this part of Virginia?” Stella spoke in a soft tone revealing she was here for a “sort of” memorial service for her mother. The pain was obvious on her face with her lips quivering and eyes glistening with small pools of tears.   

They walked into the church and sat in one of the high back pews carved from pine when George Washington was just three years old. The sun was shining through the wavy glass windows. Jane took Stella’s hands and asked her, “Would you like to tell me a little bit about your mother?” The floodgates opened. She talked for an hour. She told the story that was her Mom.   

Stella was the single daughter. She had been the caregiver for her mother who died ten months ago. Her brother lived abroad and her sister and her family traveled frequently. Because it was hard to get them together, they all decided to forgo a funeral service and ship Mom’s cremated remains to Virginia for burial. It seemed, at the time, to make more sense to get together later.   

They agreed on June for the get together since that’s when their family typically came to visit mom and dad in this part of Virginia. They all stayed at a local inn and had dinner at their parent’s favorite restaurant. It was nice, but something was missing. There was no service. No words were spoken for Stella’s mother. It wasn’t enough for her. It was too little and too late.

It was obvious to Jane that Stella was distraught. There had been no closure. Jane’s heart broke for her. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder why. Why was there no service? Even something small, private and simple would have been better than nothing.

Jane knew some people had a fear of planning a service. They don’t know how to or what to plan. They are at a loss. They should have they called the local funeral home for help. The funeral director could have helped them find someone to pull together a brief ceremony at the graveside or in the chapel. There could have even been a service in the lovely little church where Stella sat and cried with a stranger.

hwww.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What to Look for When You are Buying Final Expense Insurance

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 17:20:15 GMT

Cost is important, but it’s not the whole story. Take a look at the premium, the amount you will pay each month, how long will you pay that amount? It is not uncommon to pay until you are 100 or even older. Will you be able to pay that amount each month as you age? What if you live to be 100? Will the benefit stay in place? How much will you have paid in by that time? It’s not unheard of for people to end up paying more than they will receive in death benefits.

Look at the coverage. How much will be paid on your death? Most policies are for a fixed amount your family will receive when you die. This is the death benefit. How soon will you be covered for the full amount? Sometimes you will need to make payments for as long as two years before you would be eligible for the full death benefit. Often the death benefit stays the same over the course of your lifetime. So, as you age and the price of funerals increases, your policy is at risk of falling short and not providing your family with enough to cover the cost of your funeral.

Before you sign anything, call your local funeral home. Ask for an appointment with the funeral professional who takes care of advance funeral planning. When you meet with this individual be straight forward. Share your financial situation. See what the funeral home has to offer.

Most of the time the funeral home’s funding program is a little more per month but you make payments for a much shorter period of time. So, you pay much less in the long run. If you are in good health you will most likely be covered as soon as the policy is issued. Some funeral homes even offer a cost guarantee which means you have no worries about the rising cost of funerals.

It’s always worth the extra time to be sure you are getting the best final expense coverage you can afford. The one that will really be there for your family when it’s needed.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

The History of Veterans Day

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 17:17:25 GMT

Veterans Day, a national and state holiday, serves as a day for Americans to come together to show their deep respect and appreciation for the military veterans of our country. It is the one day a year when we pause, reflect and show our gratitude to all those who are serving or have ever served in our military. So how did it come to be?

What we know today as Veterans Day was originally called Armistice Day. On November 11, 2019, we celebrate the 101 ^st anniversary of the armistice that ended World War I. This armistice was signed at the 11 ^th hour on the 11 ^th day in the 11 ^th month of 1918. At the time, we believed World War I was “the war to end all wars”. One year after the armistice, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed November 11 ^th as Armistice Day to commemorate the end of World War I. In his address to his “fellow-countrymen” delivered from the White House on November 11, 1919, Woodrow Wilson praised the contribution of the American people and shared hope for the future.

With splendid forgetfulness of mere personal concerns, we remodeled our industries, concentrated our financial resources, increased our agricultural output, and assembled a great army, so that at the last our power was a decisive factor in the victory. We were able to bring the vast resources, material and moral, of a great and free people to the assistance of our associates in Europe who had suffered and sacrificed without limit in the cause for which we fought.

Out of this victory there arose new possibilities of political freedom and economic concert. The war showed us the strength of great nations acting together for high purposes, and the victory of arms foretells the enduring conquests, which can be made in peace when nations act justly and in furtherance of the common interests of men.

To us in America the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service, and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of nations.

Of course, lasting peace was not to be. After the Second World War, Alabama veteran Raymond Weeks had the idea to expand Armistice Day to honor all veterans. On May 26, 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower signed into a law a bill presented by Congressman Ed Rees from Kansas establishing Armistice Day as a national holiday eight years after Weeks began celebrating Armistice Day for all veterans. Congress amended the bill on June 1, 1954, replacing "Armistice" with "Veterans," and it has been known as Veterans Day since.

Memorial Day honors those who died in service, Armed Services Day honors those who currently serve. Veterans Day honors ALL veterans. Thank a Veteran on November 11 ^th and be very proud and happy to go to bed tonight in the United States of America.

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Honoring Military Service

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 17:13:56 GMT

Taps. There is nothing like the sound of those patriotic notes. It grabs your heart, it makes you cry. It honors the service and risk a man or woman took for our safety and the safety of our country.

Public law provides military burial benefits for all who served and were honorably discharged from any of the five branches of the U.S. Military. Your funeral director or advance funeral planner can explain all of the benefits you or your family members are eligible to receive. They will also access those benefits related to the funeral or burial on your behalf. Your funeral director can help you weave the remembrance of your loved one’s military service into the fabric of their full life experience.

Most who have served in any of the branches of our military, whether it be for a few years or as a career, will tell you the experience had a profound impact on their life. Even when the service period was brief and at a tender age and followed by many years of some other vocation, that service should be honored.

The funeral professionals at your local funeral home have the resources and know how to help you get the remembrance just right. In addition to the playing of taps and flag ceremony provided by public law, there are caskets, vaults, and urns that highlight each branch of the armed services to be considered. Photos and music can also be a part of the funeral gathering or ceremony and can add so much to the remembrance.

How much or how little your family wishes to focus on the military service of a loved one is a matter of personal choice. With the assistance of your funeral director, a military service can be planned that finds the perfect balance for your family.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Preplanning Your Funeral in your 60’s

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 17:11:22 GMT

According to a National Funeral Directors Association survey, more than half (62.5%) of us expect to participate in making our own funeral arrangements. And yet, less than a quarter of us have actually acted on that impulse. Not really so surprising since making funeral arrangements can literally be the very last thing we do. We can put it off right up to the end!

So, when do you think you should just go ahead and get it done? How about when you are critically ill? Or, maybe before you go on that cruise? Does when you go into the nursing home seem too late? How about as you are preparing for retirement? Actually, sooner is better than later for several reasons.

First, there is no down side to having your arrangements in place. If something new comes along or you change your mind about what you want, you can always make changes to your plan. If you move, you just move your plan. Nothing is carved in stone.

Second, there are some real up-sides to getting your funeral plan written and on file at the funeral home. For one thing, you just never know. people do die unexpectedly. And then there is the money. Historically funerals, like almost everything, have gone up in price over the years. The funeral of today will likely almost double in cost in 10 years. Why are you waiting?

Prearranged funerals are often funded in a way that buffers or even eliminates the impact of rising prices. You buy at today’s prices and you are done. When you plan in advance you also have the benefit of being able to pay over a specified period of time (you choose). As you age your choices become more limited. When you make your arrangements while you are in reasonably good health the cost of your funeral can be paid in full should you die before you’ve completed your payment cycle. Again, sooner is better than later.

The early 60’s is a good time to visit your neighborhood funeral home and get your plan written and on file. This is when you will get the most out of the funding options. It is also when you are likely to have a good idea of what you will want in the way of services. At this age you are grounded, and you are likely to still be earning income. Making payments for a bit will hardly be noticed. Then when you retire, and take that cruise, you can just enjoy. You’re all set to just enjoy the rest of what life has to offer.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

How Should I Prepare for My Funeral Preplanning Meeting?

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:08:28 GMT

First, relax. Talking about your funeral plans might make you a little uncomfortable at first but making a plan doesn’t mean you will be using it anytime soon. Your funeral director or advance planner will guide you through the process. Most people get very comfortable in just a few minutes.

Do consider bringing someone with you. Be aware that children are often reluctant to come. They don’t want to think about losing you. Insist they come anyway. They will thank you later.

Do allow enough time. Typically, you will need an hour or two to get the most from your preplanning appointment.

Make a list of your questions. You may be undecided about some things. That’s fine. This meeting is a good place to get the information you will need. Just ask. Why should I have a gathering? Is it important for my family to see my body? If I am cremated what are my options for a service? What are the benefits of paying in advance? If I pay in advance can I make payments? Any question you have is a good question.

Probably the most important thing you can do to prepare for your meeting is simply to think about your family and your friends. Who are your people? Brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, the friends you have known forever and the friends you see every day. Picture them. Think about them. What will they remember about you? What kind of a service will bring them comfort? Will they want to share stories? Will music be important? Will a spiritual component be a valuable part of your service?

Become aware that not everyone in your circle may find comfort in the same way. Tell your planner about the needs of your family and friends. Let the funeral professional help you find the right fit for your people. The funeral is for the survivors, so think about them.

People smile, they even laugh at these meetings. What you are about to do is a final gift for those you love.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Grief is Individual

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:05:44 GMT

Let’s talk about the stages of grief. There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I studied them in nursing school, reviewed them when I got divorced and generally found them to be a pretty accurate and helpful bit of knowledge. And then, a family member died. Stages?

In our house it was more like we all went to the amusement park and were all on very different rides. Up and down, round and round, quiet and loud. We were definitely not that family walking together peacefully along a path through stages. We were all a bunch of nuts. Although we love each other, we were dangerously close to coming apart at the seams.

I don’t think we are the only ones. Death is the number one stressor for families. I’ve seen families break under the weight of illness and loss. Funeral directors will tell you the hardest part of their work is dealing with families who are emotionally fragmented.

We all experience grief differently. It’s a singular journey. But you have to get along. If you don’t work it out you risk losing your family, not just the one member who actually died. So, what helped us?

Deep breathing and listening, I mean really listening to understand not just hear. Recognizing anger as an expression of fear. Seeing frenzied activity as a coping mechanism for helplessness. Making room for each other’s ways of expressing love.

Accepting the prayers and the mementos even when the prayers aren’t ours and the memento is not what we would choose for a funeral.

Being tolerant of each other’s needs and expression of their personal grief. Looking for what’s motivating the behavior not just the behavior itself. Being kind and tolerant. Hugging the huggers and giving the non-huggers their space. Letting go of judgment and making room for differences. I mean really, so what if your sister cries loudly? What’s the harm?

The days before a funeral, the time during the arranging of the funeral and weeks following a funeral are not easy. You and your family can come out of it broken or stronger.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

It's Not Really a Funeral Plan If It's Not at the Funeral Home

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:00:19 GMT

Can I just say that funerals stick in the mind of a loved one years after a death? It’s important that you get it right. Please don’t put your wishes in the drawer with the rest of your files. Oh, and that thing where you tell the kids what you want. That’s not the best either.

Here’s what often happens:

The plan in the file - It might be part of the estate plan or stuck in with the financial advisor’s paperwork, or just written on some paper. It is highly likely that it will not be found until well after the funeral is over. In the hours following a death there are literally more than a hundred things to do. Trust me, I’ve seen the lists. People count this stuff. I know because I’ve just been through it myself. There is a lot to do over a short period of time when someone dies. Your family will not be going through the files.

They will not know you wanted to wear your blue dress and that you wanted The Wind Beneath My Wings sung at your funeral. They just won’t. So, imagine the anguish when they find your “plan” two weeks after the funeral service is over.

Imagine how they are going to feel when they realize they buried you in the wrong dress and sang the wrong song. Terrible. That’s how they will feel. Sadly, they’ll feel that way for a very long time.

You’ve told your kids what you want - Seems like it will be ok, but maybe not. My friend Martha and her two sisters have not been on speaking terms since their mother died. Seems everyone heard something different from Mom regarding what she wanted. The twins heard she didn’t care “do what you want”. So, when mom died visiting one of them a Southern Baptist service was arranged. That service stunned Martha who was raised Catholic and heard mom say she wanted “a service just like the one we did for your dad.”

Call the funeral home, make an appointment and get everything written down and on file at the funeral home. It’s easy and there is not charge for the appointment.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Should I Go to the Funeral?

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 01:57:42 GMT

Why should you attend a funeral? The presence of family and friends at the funeral is appreciated. We gather to acknowledge a life that was lived. We gather to comfort those for whom life has just been forever changed by the death of someone they loved.

If you care for one or more of the survivors, you should attend the funeral (even if you did not know the person who died). Your friend will appreciate your presence. Being there shows that you acknowledge that your friend’s life has changed in some way. Your presence shows your support.

If you knew the person who died but do not know their family, you should attend the funeral. Your presence demonstrates your respect for human life in general and the life of the person who died in particular. Perhaps you worked with the person who died. It is comforting for the surviving family to know the person they loved was also appreciated at work.

If you are hesitating because you are unfamiliar with the person’s faith and fear you will embarrass yourself or feel like a fish out of water, go anyway. You will be fine. You can prepare a little in advance by looking for some information online about the funeral customs of the family’s faith.

When should you stay home? Anytime you are going to a funeral and you know it will make one or more members of the immediate family uncomfortable, perhaps you shouldn’t go. If going is more about you and less about the deceased or the surviving family, don’t go. A funeral is not a place to prove a point.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Thinking About Skipping the Funeral?

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 01:54:57 GMT

Are you considering going to a funeral? Will you be a guest or, are you the survivor in charge and deciding if there will even be a funeral? Either way, before you just skip the funeral perhaps you should consider how elephants behave when one of their species dies. Perhaps we have something to learn from Dumbo.

First of all, elephants are very busy mammals. Just like us, they have to work hard to keep life together. An elephant needs to spend nearly 20 hours per day looking for and eating food. However, they do take time to honor their dead. It is rare to see an elephant in the wild stand still. However, when they happen upon the remains of an elephant, they seem to understand they need to stop and take a minute to pay homage.

Elephants have a natural curiosity about death. They seem to understand that somehow death is connected to their own existence. They use their trunks to fondle the bones of the deceased. They are still and strangely quiet. They raise one foot and paw the air, they are gentle, and they shed tears.

Elephants, like humans, have very strong social bonds. They help one another. A funeral is an opportunity for people to gather and be still. It is our opportunity to pay homage to our human existence. It’s a safe place to shed a tear, give a hug, or tell a story. A funeral, in any one of many forms, is an opportunity to reach out to our fellow man and give or receive help and comfort.

There is still a lot of debate regarding whether or not elephants feel emotion. Some think yes and others are equally convinced emotion is exclusive to humans. So maybe we humans should embrace our emotion and just feel it? Having a funeral doesn’t make you sad. You are sad because someone has died. That sad emotion won’t go away just because you skip the funeral. The funeral is actually the first step in the long journey to feeling better.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Moving After a Spouse Dies?

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 01:51:47 GMT

One of the realities of losing a spouse or a parent is the impact that event has on living arrangements. Are we living in the “right” place? Is the house too big? Is it too far away from family? Will my surviving parent be safe where they live? Should I move to be closer to mom or should mom move closer to me?

These are tough questions and they come at a time when emotions are running so very high. They also come at a time when income has likely decreased, perhaps requiring a change be made sooner rather than later. Conventional wisdom says wait at least a year before you make any big changes to your living situation, but the reality is waiting a year may not be financially possible. If you are able to slow down and let the dust settle a bit, that is no small blessing.

Really, it all boils down to three considerations: happiness, safety, and finances. The surviving spouse needs to be in a place that not only works financially, but also is safe and happy. You are going to need to use both your rational mind and your emotions if you are to make the best decision.

On the face of it, the financial consideration seems to be the trump card. After all, you have to be able to afford where you live. However, it is not always that simple. When the happiest place is affordable but not the most frugal choice, then maybe happy trumps financially smart? Decisions based on both emotion and rational thought are usually the best decisions.

That emotional happiness factor also impacts the safety issue. Perhaps the safest living arrangement isn’t going to be a happy situation? In that case, put your rational mind to work on finding a way to make the happy place safer.

You have to find the best fit answer for your family. As you are weighing those three considerations, resist the temptation to base the decision on what you think may happen or will happen down the road. Consider the wisdom of making decisions in the present, based on present circumstances. So, if dad is safe, happy and can afford to stay in his present home maybe no change is necessary … for now.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Finding YOUR Joy

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 19:44:03 GMT

Even months after the funeral it’s not uncommon to feel just not exactly right. We all lose our way from time to time. Things happen and we can’t find our JOY. It’s not really so much gone, as it is misplaced. Life feels dull and the days seem to drag. No matter what the circumstances, if you look for it, you can find your own personal JOY again. However, you will have to work a bit to find it and reconnect.

To begin, you must put on your little super power cape and take control. You’ll have to take ownership of your joy. Terrible things happen to us in life. Illness of a loved one, your own illness, even the death of a loved one, there really are a lot of things to be unhappy about. You can, however, experience joy in spite of adversity. Make a positive decision to take your personal joy into your own hands and get it back!

Start by connecting with your senses, hearing, touch, smell, taste, and sight. Take them one by one and dig in. What sounds bring you joy? Maybe it’s the sound of little kids on the playground, or the Beatles, or waves crashing on the beach. Get out a piece of paper and make a list. You may be surprised at how many little tiny things you enjoy related to your senses.

Once you have identified things you like to smell, touch, taste, hear and see, you need to make a plan to get at least one of those things in your life on a daily basis. Turn on the music you love, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, bake one little chocolate chip cookie every day! What the heck, they make that frozen cookie dough for a reason! Get up early once a week and see the sunrise. Take a walk. Put joy back in your life in its simplest forms. Just go for it. It’s not that hard.

Once your senses are starting to wake up again, start to think about gratitude. What are you thankful for? That time your dad took you fishing, that your grandmother taught you the names of all the birds, fireworks on the Fourth of July or the beauty of a tree. The list is endless, humbling, and there is joy in gratitude. Be grateful.

It’s YOUR JOY. Take it back.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

We All Love in Very Different ways: Preserving the Family Relationship While Planning a Funeral

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 19:41:35 GMT

You are with someone with whom you share some history. Maybe it’s a brother, sister, or a childhood friend. You are talking about an event from the “old days” and you suddenly realize you all remember the event a little differently. Most of us have had this experience. Our relationships work in a similar fashion. The way we love, like the way we remember, is unique to each of us.

A man’s children know him as Dad. Each child knows and loves a slightly different Dad. His wife knows and loves him in yet a different way. A wife may know fears, strengths, hopes, and dreams children never saw. They all love, but in such different ways. Though not a bad thing, it can add to the stress a family experiences during a death and subsequent funeral planning.

So how do you preserve your family relationship and plan a funeral that provides comfort for each family member?

1. Establish a common goal. For example: “We want a funeral that reflects Mom’s life, her love for us and our love for her.”

2. Understand someone has the final say. This is usually the person who is financially and legally responsible.

3. Agree to listen to each other. REALLY listen with purpose. Listen to understand a point of view, not with the singular intent of getting to the good part where you get to say what you want.

4. Seek input from a variety of close family members or friends. Don’t forget the little ones. Ask them about grandma. What did they love to do with her? Do they have a special memory or story?

5. Let go. Realize everything is not going to be as you would choose. Give a little or maybe even a lot.

6. Ask for a time out when you need it. Your first reaction to someone’s idea may be tempered with a little time and thought.

7. Use your questions: Tell me more about that? Why is ______ important to you?

8. Take the advice of Stephen Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.”

Emotions are raw when families are mourning a death. Tread lightly and be kind. Remember you may want to have Thanksgiving dinner with these people in a few months!

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Do I Really Need to Attend the Funeral?

Thu, 12 Jan 2023 05:18:21 GMT

Do I Really Need to Attend the Funeral?

Your presence is important. If there is any way possible, please, just be there. When a child is born it is a life changing event for the parents, siblings and grandparents at the very least. It may also be a life changing event for the kindergarten teacher five years in the future. Bottom line, life matters.

When a life ends, it is also a life-changing event. Regardless of the age at which the person dies or circumstances of the death, lives will change. Family and friends will never see that person again. They will not share in each other’s joy. Neither will they have the opportunity to heal old wounds. They will not hear that voice in praise, love or anger ever again. It’s over, and in some way everyone close will have to adjust to the change.

The funeral, the gathering together, acknowledges a living person is gone. Your presence says, “Yes, this life mattered. And, yes, your lives have changed. But not everything has changed, you still have us.” Going is important.

The funeral home is a safe place for the family to receive guests and their condolences. It’s ok to cry at the funeral home. In a few weeks when you see this friend of yours who lost her mom, you will want to say something. And when you do, the emotion will open up and the sadness will surface. Crying at the grocery store or the soccer field is uncomfortable for everyone.

When people organize a funeral gathering and ask friends and family to come to them to share in their loss and sorrow, to help them. Please go, hold a hand, give a hug, share a memory, offer your condolences, and smile at the video. Let them cry in a safe place.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Where Should I Send my Condolences?

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 10:00:01 GMT

Condolences do matter and timing is important.

Do not put off contacting your friend to express your sympathy. Options and opportunities may have changes over the deca des, but the importance of reaching out to those suffering a loss has not. A call or a written note is always just right. Social media is just fine under some circumstances and a personal visit is lovely. Additionally, many funeral homes have a place on their website to post condolences. This format allows your expression of sympathy to be delivered privately and quickly.

So, let’s start with the newest trend - technology and social media. It’s so fast and so easy to access. If you are texting a co-worker several times a day about other things, it would seem rude to not mention the loss of her mother. Do use private messaging forms of social media with people you communicate with regularly in this manner. Caution!! Be very careful to not send a public condolence message using social media if your friend has not made an equally public announcement of his or her loss on the same platform. Do follow-up your message with a call or personal note. Finally, do not use electronic messaging if the receiver is not a regular user of tech.

Hand written notes or cards made for just this purpose should be mailed to the person closest to the deceased or to a personal friend who has experienced a loss. Your personal note should be simple. Thoughts such as you are sorry for their loss, you are thinking of them in this difficult time or they are in your thoughts and prayers are appropriate. If you knew the deceased, you might share a brief story about the person who died and shares your connection.

Should you make a condolence visit? Oh, my yes! A personal visit is the only way to give a hug. However, do call ahead. Do keep your visit brief and do focus on the grieving individual. Please, don’t say you know how they feel even if you share a similar experience. There will be a time for sharing later. For now, just let them know you are sorry for their loss. Come as a listener not a problem solver.

https://www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

The Many Details a Funeral Director is Responsible For

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 04:24:12 GMT

The Many Details a Funeral Director is Responsible For

When a loved one passes away, families work with funeral homes to provide care for the deceased and prepare for their services and final disposition. During this difficult time, it takes a caring, guiding hand to ensure everything is in order and celebrates the life of this unique individual. That’s where funeral directors come in. But there’s a lot that a funeral director does that you might not be aware of. Let’s take a look at the many duties a funeral director is responsible for.

What does a funeral director do at a funeral home?

1. Assist families in planning their loved one’s services and disposition.

When you plan a loved one’s services and final disposition, a funeral director will be there to guide you through the process. There are hundreds of crucial decisions to make during this difficult time. Having a knowledgeable professional by your side ensures that you’re well-informed on all of your options and can make the right choices for you and your family.

2. Organize and mentor their staff.

Reaching the position of a funeral director takes years of training and experience in funeral homes. But a funeral director isn’t the only person making sure that funerals run smoothly. Many funeral directors rely on the help of funeral assistants. With the guidance of a funeral director, these assistants set up rooms for services, prepare caskets for transport, and do what they can to ensure that every ceremony is well-organized and adequately honors your loved one.

3. Ensure that paperwork is properly filed.

One of the things we don’t often think about when a loved one passes away is what we need to file with the local and federal governments to fulfill their plans. For instance, you’ll need a death certificate and a permit for cremation if cremation was what your loved one wanted. But we don’t often have to think about these crucial forms because a funeral director ensures that every document is filled out correctly and goes to the right places.

4. Embalm or organize the process for embalming.

A funeral director is oftentimes a licensed embalmer in many funeral homes. That means that they will be the ones to prepare your loved one for their funeral or viewing. However, if the funeral home employs additional embalmers, the funeral director is the one organizing the process, ensuring that everything is done promptly and respectfully. If the funeral director won’t be doing the embalming themselves, they are often the liaison between the embalmer and the decedent's family. They will collect the clothing and other accessories that the family wants their loved one to wear on the day of the funeral or be buried with, making sure that the decedent is correctly attired according to the family’s wishes. Should the funeral home also utilize the help of a mortuary cosmetologist, the funeral director will also organize when they come to prepare the loved one.

5. Arrange the transportation of the decedent.

When someone passes away, a funeral director is the one to take the decedent into the funeral home’s care. They must organize transportation to bring them to the funeral home, and once that happens, they have many more arrangements to make. The funeral director will manage the funeral procession and coordinate transport for the decedent to reach their burial or cremation site, as well as ensure that, if they were cremated, their remains are delivered back to the care of their family.

6. Ensure that the burial or cremation site is prepared for the decedent.

It’s crucial that a funeral director coordinates with the burial or cremation site. Following the funeral, the cemetery must be open to receive the decedent for burial. In the case of cremation, the funeral director will schedule it with a local crematory if the funeral home does not have its own crematory.

7. Provide aftercare or grief support to a loved one’s family.

Funeral directors understand that grief does not end with a funeral. Especially for funeral homes where they may be the only ones in town, funeral directors have deep ties to their community and are often looked at as community figures. They do not take the title lightly. They desire to serve their community, which can be shown in how they provide aftercare to families in mourning. Even when the funeral ends, a funeral director’s work with a decedent’s family doesn’t.

Funeral directors do what they do because they are community-driven individuals who want to provide a place for families in mourning to celebrate their loved one. They spend years training to be a resource and a guide for these families. When you work with a funeral director, you know that you’ll have someone handling the details of the day, allowing you to simply grieve in peace.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Veterans: Is My Funeral Paid For?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 04:19:46 GMT

Veterans: Is My Funeral Paid For?

When it comes to a veteran’s funeral, it’s important for their families to understand what the military will pay for. There’s no way to repay the debt that a veteran has paid to our country, but there are some elements that the military covers for a veteran’s funeral and final disposition. So, what help can you as a veteran expect to receive for your funeral? As long as you meet specific criteria, your family can expect some help when the day of your funeral arrives.

Do veterans have to pay for their funerals?

In general, the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) may help you with your burial, and there are a few benefits for veterans to help with the funeral costs. The benefits that you can get are only eligible if you received at least an “ other-than-dishonorable ” discharge. Veterans will need to acquire their DD214 and other military service records to show their status and receive burial benefits . Veterans can be buried for free in national VA cemeteries. To be buried there, you must submit a pre-need determination of eligibility application . But there isn’t a guarantee that you’ll be accepted, as space is limited, and the VA receives a large number of applications. Many states have their own veteran cemeteries, but the requirements are often the same as a federal VA cemetery.

Your family may still be entitled to benefits if you decide to be buried in a civilian cemetery. They could apply to receive a burial allowance if you met certain criteria. You must meet one of the following conditions:

● Died because of a service-related disability

● Was receiving a VA pension or other compensation

● Was entitled to a VA pension or compensation but decided to receive full military retirement or disability pay

● Died in a VA facility or a non-VA facility under a VA contract

● Died while traveling at VA expense to or from a specified place for care

● Had an original or reopened claim for VA compensation or pension pending at the time of death and would have been entitled to benefits prior to the date of death

The amount you’ll receive changes yearly, but it typically doesn’t cover the total cost of a burial. The VA will pay more if the death is service-oriented. However, there are three cases in which a family will not be entitled to a burial allowance : if the decedent was on active duty, serving as a member of Congress, or serving a federal prison sentence. In addition to the burial allowance, the Social Security Administration will also pay a small death benefit to your family.

One thing that is always free for veterans is having military funeral honors. By law, every eligible veteran can receive a military funeral honors ceremony . This ceremony consists of uniformed military persons, with at least one being from the veteran’s parent service of the armed forces. It includes the folding and presenting of the United States burial flag and the playing of “Taps.” However, your family must request the flag and the ceremony in advance. To receive a burial flag, you must fill out an “ Application for United States Flag for Burial Purposes .”

The ceremony, which the Department of Defense organizes through a program called “Honoring Those Who Served,” can be arranged with the help of a funeral director if you’re being buried in a civilian cemetery. If you’re being buried in a VA cemetery, the Department of Veterans Affairs Cemetery Administration cemetery staff will be able to help, but a funeral home can also assist in this case.

Neither the VA nor individual branches of the military will pay for the cost of a casket unless the soldier dies while on active duty. However, the VA will provide an upright headstone or flat marker for any eligible veteran. These can be given regardless of whether the veteran is buried in a civilian or a VA cemetery.

Veterans who were honorably discharged can also opt for a burial at sea, which is free of charge. However, your family will not be allowed to attend this service. The Navy will choose the date and time of the ceremony. Both cremated and non-cremated remains are allowed to be buried at sea. If non-cremated remains are buried at sea, a casket must be prepared by the Navy’s guidelines, and a funeral director must transport you to the burial at your family’s expense.

As you plan your funeral and final disposition, talk to your funeral home about their offerings for veterans. Your funeral director can also help you or your loved ones fill out any necessary paperwork to request a burial allowance, burial flag, or military funeral honors ceremony.

Although veterans’ funerals are not fully paid for, there are some aspects of the burial and funeral that the VA will contribute to. If you’re unsure of what’s being covered, talk to your funeral director, and they’ll walk you through your options and how to request assistance.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

How to Choose a Casket?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 04:12:37 GMT

How to Choose a Casket?

For the most part, when a loved one passes away, you’ll need a casket for their burial or at least for their funeral or viewing. But with so many options to choose from, how can you be sure you’re getting one that you need? Here are a few things to consider before deciding on a casket for a loved one.

What to Consider When Choosing a Casket

1. Do you need a casket?

The first thing to consider when choosing a casket is whether or not you’ll be needing one. If you decide to cremate your loved one without holding a funeral with them present, you may not need a casket. But just because your loved one wanted to be cremated doesn’t mean you can’t have a funeral with a viewing. Many funeral homes offer rental caskets for such occasions, so talk to your funeral director about your options if your loved one won’t be buried but you still want a casket for a funeral.

2. What type of material do you want?

Caskets are generally made from wood or metal, and both types range in cost. Some of the most expensive types of wood include mahogany, cherry, and maple, while the least expensive are often pine, poplar, or willow. Wood caskets also are available in a variety of finishes, from gloss to satin. Metal caskets can be made from standard steel, stainless steel, or copper and bronze. While the steel options will eventually rust, bronze and copper have rust-resistant properties. Still, they will ultimately oxidize and break down without rusting.

3. How do you want the casket to be protected?

If you intend to bury a loved one, the cemetery may require the use of a burial vault. A burial vault protects the casket, making it more able to withstand the elements, but it’s also an essential form of protection for the gravesite. Especially if you’re in an area with soft ground, the grave may run the risk of collapsing in. Cemeteries need a lot of heavy machinery, and the cemetery owners need to know that a burial vault is preventing that machinery from causing cave-ins. However, if you choose a metal casket, you also have another option to protect it. A gasketed casket has a seal that helps preserve it. Although it will not indefinitely protect the casket, it does slow the deterioration rate.

4. Do you want a green burial?

More and more people are choosing to go for a more environmentally conscious burial, but what exactly does that entail? For one thing, metal caskets are not allowed, and wooden caskets with metal features are generally also prohibited. If you want a wooden casket for a green burial, you’ll need to use sustainably sourced wood. Many green burial caskets are made from bamboo or willow. However, you have options outside of wood. Some green caskets are built from wool, seagrass, and banana greens. The key is that everything must be biodegradable. You can also choose to forgo the casket entirely and use a burial shroud. Talk to your funeral director to learn more about your options for a green burial.

What should you do if you’re feeling overwhelmed by options?

You may be inclined to simply choose the first casket you see, especially if you’re unsure of the difference between each type. But you should ask your funeral director to show you a variety of casket options. Ask your funeral director the pros and cons of each one and get their opinion. Funeral directors have years of experience helping people plan funerals for loved ones, including picking the right casket. Their expertise is invaluable, so it’s essential that you have some questions in mind when deciding on a casket. Some questions include:

● What is the best casket material for our area’s soil?

● Is a gasketed casket necessary?

● How much more durable is a more expensive wood like mahogany compared to pine?

● Which caskets are biodegradable and useable for a green burial?

● If my loved one is going to be cremated, should I buy or rent a casket?

Choosing a casket can feel overwhelming because you have many different kinds to choose from, and each type has its own benefits and drawbacks. Having the help of a funeral director can mean that your options will be narrowed down to your needs, making you feel more secure in your decision. Be sure to ask questions and get a full idea of what each casket offers before making your choice.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Why Plan Your Funeral in Advance?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 04:08:46 GMT

Why Plan Your Funeral in Advance?

The story below illustrates the benefits of preplanning your funeral. Also known as an “advance funeral plan”, “preneed”, or a “preplanned funeral”, it is one of the few things in life where you can pay today’s prices for a product and service you may not need for many years down the road, thus saving you money.

We buried my dad last week. My dad’s funeral would have been just a little more than $8,000 not counting the luncheon or cemetery space. However, thanks to his pre-need funeral plan that he prepared 18 years ago at the funeral home, we got it for $5,000 and some change. Saving money wasn’t necessarily what motivated him to make the plan in advance. But, let me tell you, my mom was pretty pleased to know she didn't have to write that check.

Now, I should clarify something here. My mom is more than okay financially. Paying, even the full $8,000, for the funeral would not have been a financial issue. It was an emotional thing. She knew the death of my dad was going to change her life. She just didn’t know how it would change. So, everything, every action and especially spending money, increased her anxiety. We didn’t need that. Thank you, dad, for taking care of the plan and its cost well before it was needed.

What motivated my father to pre-plan was the fact we are a blended family. It’s not the we don’t all get along, we do (most of the time). But, we don’t all have the same taste. My sister, his oldest daughter, likes the earth tones. Our mom, his wife, on the other hand, likes the jewel tones. My dad picked a black casket and even said he wanted to be buried in his navy suit. Seems like small stuff, but it probably saved us all some angst. There was no fuss, no brown suit and no hurt feelings.

If my dad would have asked us 18 years ago if he should pre-plan and pre-pay for his funeral, I feel certain all five of us would have said, “Don’t worry about that. We can take care of it when we have to.” I am so grateful that he did not ask and that he did not think just about the money portion of an advance funeral plan. Dad, thank you for being smarter than us and knowing that we would need your emotional support even in death.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Grief - Feeling Indecisive

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:57:48 GMT

Grief - Feeling Indecisive

Grief is a multi-feeling experience. The closer you were to the person who died, the more your life was intertwined with theirs, the more “feelings” you are likely to experience. Some of these feelings are expected, like feeling sad, or lonely, but others can catch you off guard.

Feeling indecisive is one of those feelings. It is not at all uncommon to find yourself having difficulty making decisions. But it is often unexpected and therefore puzzling.

Especially when a person loses a partner, a husband or a wife, someone whose life, past, present and future had been linked to their own, they find making decisions great and small can be overwhelming.

When a person has lost the person who was the whoa to their go, or the leap to their standing on the edge, pressing forward and making choices alone can feel almost impossible. And yet, the death of such a partner is likely to generate a deluge of such decisions.

Hesitation is not always bad; it can slow a person down and provide time to weigh the options. It can allow time to gather information so a better-informed decision can be made. Indecision can be positive as long as it doesn’t prevent a person from making time sensitive decisions, or getting stuck in a deteriorating situation, or abdicating to a person who does not have one’s best interests at heart.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling overwhelmed with the number of decisions that need to be made start by making a list. What needs to be done? Now, look at your list and begin to make sub lists.

What is time sensitive? Some things like probate must be completed in a prescribed timeframe. Make sure you are getting these things done on time to avoid complications or penalties.

What can be delegated? If you can hand off a job, go ahead and lighten your load. Before you delegate the task be certain you have thought it through. Give the person you have chosen to complete the task clear direction. Be as precise as you can about what you want done and how it should be carried out. Then let go. Give the job to someone you trust and let them do it.

Where do you need expert advice? Make appointments with the lawyer, financial advisor, or whoever can provide you with the information and options you need in order to make good decisions. Gather the information you need. Give yourself a deadline for completing the task and focus on that one thing. Ticking it off the list will lift your spirits.

What is best left to later? Many experts agree, when a person can, it’s best to wait six months to a year to make big decisions. Things like selling a house, moving, or changing jobs are best left until your head has begun to clear. Take care of the immediate needs and give yourself a little breathing space for the things that can marinate for a while.

Quick Tips:

Second guessing can be an indication that you really are not happy with a pending decision. It can be an indication that you are about to make a wrong decision. Trust your gut.

Is the decision getting harder to make the more you dwell on it? This can be an indication that you are afraid of something. Find your fear, write it down. Gather more information or expert advice. Set a time limit.

Ask yourself how much will this matter in ten years?

In the end… let go and leap. Every decision can’t be perfect. Accept that what is your best for now is good enough.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Preparing for a Funeral: Clear and Open Communication with a Funeral Home

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:54:31 GMT

Preparing for a Funeral: Clear and Open Communication with a Funeral Home

Planning a funeral starts with creating a relationship with your funeral home, which is forged through clear and open communication. What should you talk to your funeral director about? Let’s break down the main topics you’ll need to be open about with your funeral home.

What to Talk to Your Funeral Director About

1. Clear and open communication with a funeral home starts before you begin planning the funeral.

Before you can begin planning your loved one’s funeral, you’ll need to find the right funeral home to work with. If your loved one preplanned their funeral, they will have already decided on the funeral home you’ll be working with. Otherwise, you should make screening calls to the funeral home and then set up preliminary meetings with those that pass the screening call. Ideally, you’d like to set up an in-person meeting with the funeral director you’d be working with. During the meeting, ask questions that align with your needs. Some things to consider asking include:

● How long has your funeral home been serving this area?

● How many people can you host for a funeral? How about a viewing?

● How can you tailor your funeral to my loved one’s religion?

● What kinds of additional offerings do you have, such as printing services?

● What kinds of services can my loved one have?

● What types of caskets and urns do you offer?

2. Bring documentation of your loved one’s biographical information.

Once you decide on your loved one’s funeral home, you’ll begin arranging the funeral, which means spending more time discussing your options with the funeral director. But before you can get into the details, you’ll have to discuss your loved one’s biographical information.

There are two main reasons why your funeral director needs to know your loved one’s history in great detail. For one reason, your funeral director will be able to help you write your loved one’s obituary, which should give a picture of who your loved one was, in addition to directing the local community on when and where the funeral will be held. The second reason is that your funeral director needs to be able to help you with essential paperwork, such as filling out a Cremation Authorization Form, which you’ll need to procure a cremation permit, or filing for death certificates, which you’ll need several of to take care of your loved one’s estate.

When you meet with your funeral director to discuss your loved one’s background, bring documents that include their:

● Full name

● Social security number

● Spouse’s name

● Children’s name

● Parents’ name, including mother’s maiden name

● Work history

● Educational history

● Military service

● Memberships and affiliations with churches, clubs, and other organizations

You should also bring other items that help piece together the puzzle of who your loved one was. In addition to recent photographs, bring photo albums that include some of the snapshots you may want to include in the funeral. You can also bring things that have to do with your loved one’s hobby. For instance, if your loved one was a talented painter, you may want to show the funeral director some photos of their most beloved work. The more you can show the funeral director who your loved one was, the more detailed their obituary can be.

3. Ask about services offered and how they can be tailored to your loved one.

By the time you begin arranging a funeral with your funeral director, you should have a pretty good idea of the kinds of services the funeral home offers. But now’s the time to get more into details. Your funeral director should now also have a picture of who your loved one was. So, how can the services be personalized to your loved one? Think about and talk about what made your loved one special to determine what you might want to include in the services. The more detailed you can get, the more ideas you’ll be able to come up with together.

Funeral directors have plenty of experience incorporating a loved one’s personality into their funeral. If your loved one was an avid golfer, perhaps their beloved clubs could be placed by the casket or even incorporated into a floral arrangement. Or, if your loved one had been crocheting for decades, maybe some of their favorite projects could decorate the ceremony.

4. Ask for your options, as well as a price breakdown.

Most people have a budget in mind when they plan a loved one’s funeral, which is why your funeral director must be upfront about their costs. In fact, legally, they have to be. According to the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule , your funeral home must show you their General Price List, Casket Price List, and Outer Burial Container Price List. Your funeral director should offer these documents to you unprompted, but once you receive them, ask your funeral director to review them with you. What options make the most sense for your needs? How do the costs break down? Go through your choices together, and be sure to ask questions about anything you’re unsure of.

5. Describe any plans your loved one wanted and what you and your family envision.

If you’re the primary family member planning the funeral, you’ll be relaying information between your family and the funeral director. So, once you discuss the funeral plans with your family, be sure to document any questions or concerns they may have, as well as any ideas they’re envisioning for the funeral. Although you may be the main decision-maker, those who loved your loved one may want some of a say in how the funeral happens. Talk to your funeral director about how to incorporate your family’s requests. You’ll also want to be sure that your funeral director knows who the pallbearers will be, who will be giving the eulogy or other speeches, and who will be in the funeral procession. On the day of the funeral, the funeral director will be the one to ensure that everyone has what they need to complete their task and are in the right place at the right time.

Your funeral director is both a resource and a support system when you’re planning a funeral for your loved one. To ensure they can fulfill their duties, you need to be open with them about everything from your loved one’s history to how your family envisions the day of the funeral. Your funeral director is in your corner and is honored to create a beautiful event for someone so dearly loved, and clear communication is the key to making that event happen.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Do I Need a Permanent Place for my Loved One’s Urn?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:43:51 GMT

Do I Need a Permanent Place for My Loved One's Urn?

When a loved one is cremated, many opt for an urn to place their ashes in. But what’s the right thing to do with the urn? Does it need a permanent home? And what can you do to provide it with that home?

Do you need a permanent place for a loved one’s urn?

When you have a loved one’s urn, you may wonder what you can do with it to honor the person you loved and lost properly. But ultimately, the choice is up to you. Some people like the urn to be in their sights, a reminder of their loved one. They may have a special shelf where it sits surrounded by other mementos of their beloved friend or family member. And while that shelf mostly remains where it was originally placed, they may decide that their small memorial belongs in a different part of the house. So, while not exactly a permanent place, it’s still a place where they can honor their loved one’s memory.

But others would prefer if their loved one’s urn were put in a more permanent location, which is understandable as well. Just like how a friend or family member might find comfort in frequenting a gravesite if their loved one were buried, placing an urn in a spot where it won’t be moved means giving people a chance to come and pay their respects to someone they deeply miss. Knowing that your loved one is forever in the same spot, and perhaps in an area that you associate with them or where they’re surrounded by others you’ve loved, can give you and others who miss them some solace.

What are your options for a permanent place for an urn?

One way to create a permanent place for your loved one’s urn is by giving it an urn burial. Some cemeteries have special sections of their grounds where urns can be buried. Just like if your loved one were buried instead of cremated, they could be placed alongside family members in a burial plot.

Another option for a permanent place for an urn is a columbarium. A columbarium is similar to a mausoleum, except they’re made for cremated remains. In this above-ground structure, there are many niches, or wall spaces, where urns can be stored. Like mausoleums, columbariums can be either public or private. You can purchase a private columbarium for your family, but you also have the option of getting a family-sized niche in a public one as well. Each niche includes a memorial plaque, which may contain an epitaph if you so choose.

If your loved one loved nature and the beauty of the natural world, you might consider an option for a permanent place where they can be at one with the world. Through the use of a special biodegradable urn, you can grow a memorial tree in their honor. The urn contains seeds and soil, as well as your loved one’s cremated remains. Once the seeds grow in the soil, the roots will extend into the ashes, where everything mixes together as the tree develops. Just like with an urn burial or a columbarium, you’ll have a place to visit your loved one, but in this case, the tree will mark where their ashes are.

If your loved one enjoyed being at sea, you have a few choices that can honor what made them so happy throughout their life. Off Florida’s coast exists the first underwater mausoleum, where urns can be placed in a permanent location under the sea at Neptune Memorial Reef . Although only one of these forms of mausoleums exists currently, you can also opt for another undersea memorial by using a reef ball burial . You’ll be giving your loved one a permanent place in the ocean, where they’ll be providing a home to creatures displaced by disappearing reefs. Your loved one’s cremated remains will be used to make a structure that mimics a reef, which will become colonized by marine life as time goes on.

You can also choose to scatter your loved one’s ashes, but that doesn’t provide a permanent place for their remains. Although you won’t be able to revisit them, you will still always know that they are simply one with the pieces of the world that they loved in life. Some boating companies will take you out to sea to the distance where it’s legal to scatter ashes. There are even companies that will help you scatter ashes in the air while you’re skydiving. As spreading ashes is a very personal experience, there are many different ways and places you can choose to scatter them.

Whatever method you choose, whether it be scattering a loved one’s ashes or using a burial option, always become familiar with your federal, state, and local laws and regulations first. Although there are some laws that apply to the entire country, your state or county may have more specific restrictions that govern your area. Ask your funeral director for assistance if you’re unsure about how to follow certain regulations.

Whether you choose a more permanent spot or opt to scatter your loved one’s ashes, what matters is how it provides comfort to you when you’re missing them. For some people, that means having a place, like a columbarium, to go when you want to be with your loved one. For others, there’s a comfort in feeling like your loved one is in the water with you every time you feel the ocean wave. Just like any part of funeral planning, the right choice is what feels right for you and the ones you love.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What to Do When Someone Dies: Should We Have a Service?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:27:15 GMT

What to Do When Someone Dies: Should We Have a Service?

When a loved one passes away, one of the first questions family and friends ask is when the service is. But if you’re in charge of taking care of your loved one after they pass, it’s up to you to decide if you have a service at all. Funerals are very personal events, and some people opt out of having one at all. So, do you have to have a funeral service? And if you don’t have to, should you anyway?

Should I have a funeral service if my loved one died?

There’s no legal requirement to have a funeral when a loved one passes away, but that doesn’t mean that you should forgo this tradition. A funeral service is a way to honor a loved one’s memory and celebrate their life. But a funeral is truly for the living, for all those who remain who will miss that person now that they’re gone. It’s a chance not only to say goodbye but also to find solace in knowing how loved a loved one was.

After the death of a loved one, it’s easy to feel alone. A funeral service helps that loneliness abate. The service gives family and friends a time to be together, share memories and stories, and swap words and actions of comfort. But a funeral service does more than bring together the friends and family of someone who has passed. Funerals bring out entire communities.

These ceremonies remind us just how many people we touch throughout our lifetime. Students who have long since graduated return to say a fond farewell to a teacher who gave them guidance that helped shape their lives. Childhood neighbors come to share memories of the rambunctious kid your loved one once was. Little Leaguers mourn together the loss of a coach who was like another parent to them. The truth is that our loved ones live full lives, and we often aren’t privy to every part of them while they’re alive. Funerals piece together parts of our loved ones, creating a beautiful picture of a life well-lived. That picture provides great comfort in our time of grief.

Funerals are also the start of a healing process. A funeral won’t prevent you from mourning your loss. But having all that community around you and being able to celebrate your loved one can help you begin to feel a little bit lighter. And by planning a funeral, you can also offer that lightness to your family and friends.

If the thought of planning a funeral is overwhelming to you, remember that funeral homes have years of experience creating ceremonies that honor loved ones’ memories. It’s natural to feel many emotions when trying to plan a funeral, but you don’t have to do it alone. A funeral director and their staff will be by your side, working to enact your plans so you can grieve in peace. If the stress of planning a funeral makes you rethink having one, remember that a funeral home will handle the details and ensure the service runs smoothly.

My loved one didn’t want a service. What should I do?

If your loved one informed you before they passed that they didn’t want a funeral service, it’s okay to follow their wishes. A funeral should be about honoring a loved one’s memory, and respecting what they wanted is the best way to honor them. If they didn’t want a funeral, you don’t have to have one.

However, many people expect a funeral to happen when someone passes away. You may want to save yourself from fielding questions from family and friends about when and where the funeral is by letting them know that one will not be occurring. One option is to explicitly state in the obituary that a funeral service will not be happening. Instead, you can direct would-be funeral-goers to somewhere they can donate to in the loved one’s honor. If you’re not printing an obituary, share on social media the news of their passing and that a funeral will not occur. For anyone you don’t believe is accessible on social media, give them a personal phone call, or ask other family members or friends to help you reach everyone.

A funeral is also not the only service available to you to celebrate the life of a loved one. Even if you don’t have a funeral, you can still plan a memorial. A funeral home can help you plan the event, or you can host an event yourself.

Keep in mind that even if you don’t want a traditional funeral, you’ll still likely need the help of a funeral home for your loved one’s disposition. A funeral director will help you plan the burial or cremation, ensuring everything is done according to your and your loved one’s wishes. They’ll take care of the details that would otherwise be difficult for you to do on your own, such as arranging transportation and making sure the correct documents are filed on time. While you work with the funeral director on the disposition, ask for other options for services outside of the funeral itself. Funeral homes have plenty of experience tailoring ceremonies to fit the wishes of a decedent and their family. Even if you don’t want a funeral service, they may have other ways to help you honor your loved one.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What to Do First When Someone Dies

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:23:35 GMT

What to Do First When Someone Dies

Whether your loved one’s death was expected or sudden, no loss is easy. From the moment your loved one passes, you may feel overwhelmed not only by emotion but also by everything that must be done to take care of them. What should you do right after a loved one passes? Here are your five first steps.

1. Contact a funeral home.

If you know the funeral home that your loved one wanted to use, contact them for assistance as soon as you can. If not, check if they’ve declared any final wishes in their medical or legal documents. Your loved one may have preplanned their funeral and disposition with a funeral home, or they may have at least declared which funeral home they want to use and if they’d like to be buried or cremated.

If your loved one did not preplan, contact a local funeral home that you believe would be a good fit for your loved one’s care. You want to recruit the help of a funeral director soon after your loved one passes because they will be able to assist you through many of the first steps regarding your loved one’s after-life care.

2. Get a legal pronouncement of death.

When a loved one passes, one of the first things that you should do is get a legal pronouncement of death made by someone of authority. This person may be your loved one’s doctor or their hospice nurse. The individual will then fill out forms certifying the cause, time, and place of death. The reason why this action must be taken immediately after death is that you’ll need this legal pronouncement in order to receive a death certificate later on.

When someone is pronounced dead, they’re registered with the local or state vital records office. When you need a death certificate, you’ll have to contact those offices to get certified copies of a death certificate. Having several certified copies is essential, as you’ll need proof of your loved one’s death to handle many processes, including organizing their cremation or burial, filing a life insurance claim, and transferring their assets to a living individual. You may need 10 or more death certificates for all of the after-life processes, which means that if you do not get a legal pronouncement of death in a timely manner, you may find yourself being delayed from the next steps you need to take in caring for your loved one and their estate. A funeral director will be able to help you file the proper paperwork and ensure that you have all the documents you need.

3. Check if your loved one was an organ donor.

Organ donation is time-sensitive. Each organ that can potentially be donated only has a short window of time to be viable after death . The heart is only able to be donated for four to six hours after death, while the kidneys may be viable for up to 36 hours. It’s crucial to act quickly to make sure that your loved one’s organs can be used for life-saving procedures.

If you did not talk to your loved one about whether or not they were an organ donor, check their driver’s license. Their choice will be marked there. If they did not have a driver’s license, this decision may be indicated in their advance directive. Once you know that your loved one wanted to be an organ donor, alert the hospital staff. If your loved one passed at home, call a local hospital so that they can begin arranging transportation.

In most cases, if your loved one was not in a hospital when they died, organ donation will not be possible. Vital organs cannot survive very long once oxygen stops flowing through the body. However, tissue and eye donation may still be an option because they remain viable for several hours without oxygen. So, even if your loved one passed at home, it’s still worth calling the hospital and seeing if they can donate.

4. Begin contacting family and friends.

You should tell close family and friends that their loved one has died soon after the death occurs. Although it’s often recommended that you tell them in person, it’s likely that doing so will be exceedingly difficult, especially if those family and friends live in different places. So, most likely, you’ll be making several phone calls to break the news. There’s no easy way to say something so challenging, but it’s best to say it outright. Don’t talk about other matters before you tell them their loved one died, and don’t use euphemisms when you tell them the news. It’s best if there’s no question of what you’re trying to say to them.

Your loved one likely had many people who loved them too, which means that you may be making several phone calls. Losing a loved one may trigger feelings of shock in the days following the death, or you may immediately enter a state of grief. Either way, it’s essential that you don’t neglect taking care of yourself. Having to make so many difficult calls can be taxing, so recruit family and friends to help you make additional calls once they’ve been alerted to what’s happened. Your loved ones will understand that you need the assistance and want to support you, so don’t hesitate to ask. You should also ask someone nearby if they can help to quickly take care of your loved one’s dependents and property. If your loved one was caring for a person or a pet, arrange for their temporary care while you make a long-term plan for them. It’s also a good idea to ask someone to check on the loved one’s home to be sure it’s secured as it may sit vacant for some time.

5. Arrange your loved one’s transportation.

One of the final steps that must be done quickly after a loved one’s death is arranging their transportation. Transportation can be arranged with your loved one’s funeral home. They will take your loved one into their care and begin preparing them for their services and disposition.

Once you know your loved one is safe in the funeral home’s care, you can begin the process of planning for their funeral and final disposition. Beginning to arrange a funeral starts with contacting your funeral director and discussing your options. If your loved one preplanned their funeral, the funeral director will help you make those plans come to fruition. If not, they can guide you through arranging a funeral and disposition that’s right for your loved one.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What are Death Certificates for and How Many Do I Need?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 03:18:58 GMT

What are Death Certificates for and How Many Do I Need?

Paperwork can be daunting even when you’re in a good mindset, but when you’re in a period of mourning following the death of a loved one, the last thing you want to be doing is filing forms. Unfortunately, when a loved one passes, there’s quite a lot of paperwork to do. But to start, you’ll need to obtain several death certificates. But what are death certificates for, and how many do you need?

What are death certificates for?

Death certificates are official documents that state the date, time, and cause of death. Although the steps to obtaining a death certificate vary by state, one of the simplest ways is by requesting certified copies through your funeral home. Funeral directors are familiar with the process, having done the same for many families they’ve worked with. Otherwise, you can request death certificates through your state or county’s vital records office or a government-endorsed website. Be prepared to show a government-issued ID and additional documentation to prove your relationship to your loved one.

The initial filing for a death certificate starts with a death registration form and must occur within 72 hours of your loved one’s death. Receiving the death certificates may take two to four weeks, and you’ll need several certified copies. But for what exactly do you need death certificates?

Insurance

When your loved one passes away, you’ll need a death certificate to file for life insurance benefits. It’s crucial to try to submit one as early as possible, as you’ll likely want to have these benefits to help you with funeral planning and payment if the funeral was not pre-paid. You’ll also need a death certificate to confirm your loved one’s death with their health insurance company or in order to keep receiving Medicaid benefits. Burial or funeral insurance companies also require a death certificate.

Final Disposition

Whether your loved one is to be cremated or buried, you’ll need a death certificate. A cemetery or crematory will not take care of your loved one’s final disposition without having a death certificate on hand.

Asset Ownership

Typically, a notarized signature is sufficient when an asset, like a house or car, is transferred from one person to another. But because that isn’t possible in the event of a death, a death certificate allows the title to go to a new owner.

Financial Accounts

Before granting anyone access to the decedent’s financial accounts, a bank must be made aware of the death through a death certificate. From stocks to savings accounts, you’ll need enough death certificates to be sure that each of these accounts can be transferred or closed.

Retirement Income Sources

If your loved one had a 401(K) or a pension plan, you’ll likely need a certified copy of a death certificate. Some retirement plans can be transferred to someone else, such as a surviving spouse, so it’s essential to contact the company as soon as possible to see if and how you can change ownership of the assets to you or a loved one.

Ongoing Investigations

If your loved died suspiciously and there’s an ongoing investigation into how they passed, government officials will need a death certificate with the cause of death recorded. Depending on the results of the investigation, the cause of death may be amended.

Final Tax Returns

When a loved one dies, one final year of federal, state, and local taxes must be filed. When you file these taxes, you’ll need to submit a death certificate to ensure that this filing is the last one for your loved one.

How many death certificates do you need?

It’s better to have too many death certificates than too few. Although it’s often recommended that you receive between 10 and 20 certified copies, you may need fewer or more depending on your loved one’s estate. The best option is to become familiar with your loved one’s estate before they pass. You should aim to learn the ins and outs of their financial accounts, retirement income sources, and insurance policies.

The number of each of these accounts and policies will help you discover how many death certificates you need. However, you should not only order the exact number of certified copies required to close or transfer these accounts. You should have between two and three additional death certificates for emergencies and for making photocopies when a certified copy is unnecessary.

Talk to your funeral director if you’re unsure about when and where you need to use a death certificate or how you can obtain enough certified copies. They’ll be able to guide you through the process and ensure that you’re not missing a death certificate for any critical accounts.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What to Do When Someone Dies: What Types of Service Can We Have?

Sat, 26 Nov 2022 03:52:52 GMT

What to Do When Someone Dies: What Types of Service Can We Have?

There are many questions to consider when a loved one passes away, but one of the first steps in the funeral planning process is figuring out what types of services you’ll have. But before you can choose your ceremonies, you need to know what they are. Let’s take a look at your many options for celebrating and honoring your loved one.

What types of funeral services can we have?

One of the most common types of funeral service, a traditional funeral, often begins at a funeral home. Your loved one will have been taken care of by the funeral home staff while you work with the funeral director to ensure that the service is befitting of your loved one. On the day of the funeral, family, friends, and other members of the community gather to offer their condolences to the loved one’s surviving family. From there, the funeral celebrant, who may be a religious figure, leads the ceremony. Often, a close friend or family member will give a eulogy, and sometimes, more speeches may be made. The funeral celebrant may lead the funeral-goers in prayer, or certain songs may be sung in honor of the decedent.

A traditional funeral can also occur at a church, synagogue, or other religious location, especially if the decedent was devout in life or if the funeral home does not have a chapel large enough to hold the expected number of funeral-goers. A traditional funeral in a religious building often contains more of a religious service, such as a pastor leading the congregation in prayers or hymns or employing additional customs tied to that specific faith.

Most often, a casket or urn will be present at a traditional funeral containing the loved one. Depending on the family’s wishes, a casket can be open or closed. When a loved one’s final disposition is cremation, the family may choose to hold the cremation either before or after the funeral. Having the decedent cremated after the funeral allows for them to be present for the ceremony, giving family and friends the chance to see them one final time before cremation. Once the ceremony has concluded, a hearse can transport the casket or urn to a gravesite for burial.

If the loved one is to be buried, funeral-goers may follow the hearse in a funeral procession to the gravesite. Before the casket or urn is buried or interred, the funeral celebrant may lead another service known as the committal service, as your loved one will be committed back to the earth. Some families prefer to forgo the traditional funeral and simply have a committal service, which is often very short and less elaborate than a traditional funeral. In this case, family and friends will gather directly at the cemetery, where a funeral celebrant will say a few words, lead a prayer, or read a poem, depending on the family's wishes.

Some families decide to forgo a larger service in favor of a direct burial or direct cremation. With a direct burial, the immediate family is usually present to say their final farewells to their loved one, while additional funeral-goers are not invited to attend. With direct cremation, the family may have a cremation viewing, but ultimately there’s no formal service. Most often, the ashes will be returned to the family, who will decide their final resting place.

What additional services can we have?

In addition to a funeral service, some families opt to host other services that give close friends and family, as well as the greater community, a chance to mourn together. For instance, some families will host a memorial service or celebration of life in addition to a traditional funeral, coming together again once their loved one is in their final resting place. Or they may hold a scattering ceremony if their loved one was cremated. With a scattering ceremony, friends and family join together to watch as their loved one’s cremated remains are spread in a meaningful place, such as at sea or a national park.

But other services can also come before a funeral. A visitation is for families to receive support and condolences from their community. These services are most often held in a funeral home. Generally, the decedent is not present. If they are present, their casket is usually closed. Visitations typically occur in the days leading up to the funeral, where the family will receive guests wishing to pay their respects.

Another service that can come before a funeral is a viewing. For this event, the decedent is present, as the idea is for people to get a chance to say personal goodbyes to their loved one. Viewings are mainly for people who knew the decedent personally, whereas the funeral is a chance for the greater community to say goodbye. Because viewings are meant to be a time to say farewell, they are most often open-casket.

You have many options to celebrate your loved one’s life and honor their memory when they pass, so much so that you may be overwhelmed by your choices. But working with a funeral home ensures you’ll receive guidance on choosing the right ceremonies for your family and your loved one. Funeral home staff are filled with expertise from their years of service supporting families through one of their most difficult times. And they’ll be honored to help you plan a service that’s befitting of your loved one.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

The Changing Face of American Veterans

Fri, 04 Nov 2022 09:00:05 GMT

Veteran’s Day is the day Americans set aside to honor all who have served in the military during times of war and times of peace. We thank them all.

Many books have be en written and movies made about World Wars I and II, Korea, and even Vietnam. But, what do we know about our post 9/11 Veterans? Who are they? Who do we thank?

When the draft ended in 1973, all branches of the armed services began the transition to the all-volunteer military force we have today. Since that time, the makeup of the military has been changing. While the total number of troops serving is declining, the force is becoming more diverse racially, ethnically, and by gender.

The majority of new recruits come from families with incomes between $38,345 – $80,912. Eighty percent come from families with a history of service. Their father, uncle, or grandfather also served. The share of the US population with military experience is on the decline. Seven percent of the total US population served in 2016 down from eighteen percent in 1980.

Fifty six percent of active duty personal are married, seven percent are in dual military families and thirty nine percent have children. According to a study conducted by the Rand Corporation since 2001, 2.77 million service members have served on 5.4 million deployments across the world with soldiers from the Army accounting for the bulk of them. Deployed personnel were under 30 years old on average, over half were married and about half had children.

On average military personnel sign on for four years of active duty plus four years in the reserves. Deployment for service personnel is typically for a period of 12 months followed by 12 months stateside. A post 9/11 service person will very likely see a second deployment during their term of enlistment. Career service members typically rotate 12 months deployed, 12 months home, 12 months deployed, 24 months home.

So, who do we thank? We thank all service men and women. We thank the husbands, wives and children of our service men and women. Post 9/11 military service is a family job.

https://www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Who Should Record my Funeral Wishes?

Fri, 07 Oct 2022 09:00:03 GMT

There is a woman who once thought that she’d like to have a hologram made of her wearing an Obi-Wan Kenobi robe for her funeral. Her four sons grew up during the Star Wa rs era and similar to Obi-Wan, she would love to pass along the wisdom she acquired over her lifetime to those she loves. And yes, she would also like to have the last word! So who should this woman see to discuss and share her wishes? Should she talk to an attorney? Her financial planner? Or a funeral director?

Both her attorney and financial planner suggested they could help but she wasn’t convinced based on her past experience. When her parents died the funeral was over before she even started to work on the finances and the estate. And there was so much attention paid to the final, final part…burial or cremation. She decided to contact her family funeral home and she met with Sue, the advance funeral planner. As it turns out, helping people get their funeral plans in place is Sue’s only job at the funeral home. And help this woman Sue did!

They talked about what this woman thought she wanted for her funeral plans. They talked a lot about her family – her husband, her four grown up sons, their wives and their children. Sue helped this woman see that although her sons would appreciate the Obi Wan idea, her husband would need something a little more traditional with a spiritual element. They talked about the cost and how she could keep that under control. They also talked about the burial and cremation options. Sue explained to the woman that if she wasn’t ready, she didn’t need to make a decision about burial or cremation. The woman ended up talking to her family about it and she was able to get her wishes recorded at the funeral home and she decided to use a payment plan. With her plan in place, she can go in and change her plans at any time (e.g. if she decides she wants to be cremated at a later date) and Sue will help her with that.

Sue also suggested the woman begin gathering those words of wisdom that she wants to share at her funeral and bring them to Sue so she can put them in the file. On the day of the woman’s funeral, the funeral directors will print these words of wisdom and hand them out to those attending the funeral. As it turns out, holograms aren’t available just yet, but Sue thinks they may be prior to this woman’s death.

In the end, leaving the finances to the financial planner, the will & estate planning to the attorney, and the funeral planning to the funeral home made the most sense for this woman.

https://www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

When the Soul Leaves the Body … Reacting to a Sudden Unexpected Death

Tue, 02 Aug 2022 20:20:18 GMT

Sometimes, if you are open to it, you can receive amazing information in the most unlikely ways. For example, there was a driver who was taking a woman to the airport w hen she received the news that a family member had died. The woman gasped and her driver, who was from another culture, asked if she was okay. Normally she would just say “I am fine” because she is a private person. On this particular occasion, however, she shared her situation with this driver. Upon hearing the news, this gentleman shared his cultural belief and at that moment…it was exactly what she needed to hear.

He said, “When the soul leaves the body, it can take a long time or it can happen very quickly. No matter how, it is painful. It is painful for the one who is dying, and it is painful for those who are left behind. The separation of the soul from the body, that is the ending of life. That is death. No matter how it happens, there is pain.”

When death is sudden and totally unexpected, you may find that you and your family members react in ways that seem strange and unfamiliar. You get the call. Something terrible has happened. Someone has died. You are stunned.

As you begin to process the news, you may experience a strong pull to see where it happened. This is a normal response. Before you can accept the reality of the death you may have to see.

Seeing a loved one after their passing is not an easy thing to do, but it is necessary for many. If you feel you need to see, honor your need. The funeral director understands this need and can help you. Even if your mother always said, “I don’t want people to see me after I die”, she probably didn’t understand back then how her passing would affect you now. Talk to the funeral director and he or she will help you honor your mother’s wishes and satisfy your need as well.

In addition to accepting the reality that a death has occurred, those who experience a sudden loss also have the burden of working out how the death happened and why it happened. Many questions will go through their mind:

· Who didn’t do what they needed to do to prevent the awful reality?

· Who is accountable? Is it, me? Did I miss something?

· Should there be a law?

· Why? Why? Why?

This is a normal. Be patient with your family members as each of you must work through this in your own personal way. When the soul leaves the body it is always painful, but when it happens suddenly and unexpectedly, there are additional burdens to work through.

https://www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Make Family the Foundation for Funeral Planning

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 23:28:25 GMT

There are two ways to take care of funeral planning: 1) you can plan your own funeral in advance or 2) your survivors can plan your funeral for you after your death. Regardless of when it is planned, or who plans the funeral, the planning needs to start with your family. Your family should be the foundation for funeral planning.

After all, the funeral is not really for the deceased…it is for those who survive. We show respect for all human life in the manner in which we care for the body that housed the soul or spirit of our loved one. Respect and dignity for the body is important. The funeral helps those of us who survive by changing our focus from the cause of the death to the life that was lived. The funeral is the beginning of our grieving process and that is why funerals are so important.

If you are planning in advance for your own final remembrance, begin by thinking of those who love you. Your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, your friends and even your co-workers, what will they remember? What will make them smile? What will comfort them? What will they need? When they think of you what will come to mind? How is faith a part of their lives?

If you are planning a funeral for a deceased family member, involve the children, grandchildren and even close friends in the process. Ask them how they remember their friend or relative. Remember, we have all had a unique relationship with the deceased, so what you want to remember may be different from what your brother remembers. Ask your funeral director for ideas so they can help you capture and express the unique personality of your family member in the service plan.

For many years funeral planning started with a different set of questions. It started with questions about the faith. What church did your mother belong to? It followed with questions about the decedent’s wishes. What do you think your dad would want? These are still good valid questions but basing the entire funeral plan on only these aspects may not touch every family member.

Mother may have preferred that no one see her after death, but if you, her daughter, need to see her, speak up. If you don’t share your brother’s faith and you need to hear a eulogy that is all about his life or see pictures that bring back your time growing up together, speak up. The imprint of the funeral sticks with the surviving family. It is literally the last memory we carry of someone we loved.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Who Will Take Care of My Funeral Plans?

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:46:38 GMT

Who Will Take Care of My Funeral Plans

It is not uncommon for people to ask themselves, “Since I never had any children, who will take care of my funeral plans?” That is all the more reason to preplan your own funeral!

Each state has laws that say who will “own” your body when you die. The “owner” is responsible for making and paying for your funeral service and “final disposition”. Final disposition is simply what happens to your body in the end and those choices include burial, cremation or donation. Regardless of disposition, a funeral service with or without a religious component will take place before or after disposition. These are all choices the responsible person will make.

If you are to be cremated, there is still the matter of what will be done with your cremated remains. They can be kept by a family member, scattered on private property, buried in a cemetery, or kept in a columbarium niche. Again, this is a choice the responsible person will need to make.

In most states the responsible person is your spouse. When there is no legal marriage then your parent will be responsible. If your parents are deceased, then your child will take the lead. When there are no children then your eldest sibling will be responsible.

As you can see, this system only works if you and your family are all of like mind regarding the funeral and you are on the same page regarding faith. Since this is not always the case, you can break the legal chain and designate a person of your choice to carry out your wishes.

It’s not at all difficult or even expensive. You just need to call the funeral home of your choice, ask for an appointment with the person who does the pre-planning. Be sure to tell that individual that you want to designate someone to carry out your wishes. He or she will need to get the proper paperwork for you to complete this task.

This is also a perfect time to talk to the pre-planning person at the funeral home about your ideas regarding both your funeral service and your final disposition. A funeral professional can help you get everything written down so that your designated person will know just what to do. Since this person will also bear the financial burden for your funeral service and burial or cremation, you will want to talk to the advance funeral planner about eliminating that burden by prefunding your plan.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Get Your Family Involved in Funeral Planning

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:43:07 GMT

Get Your Family Involved in Funeral Planning

When death is near or has just occurred, there are so many things to do and yet there is nothing you can do. You feel helpless. You can’t make the person well or bring them back. But you know you will, very soon, need to make many decisions about the service, the final resting place, the music, food, flowers, donations, clothing and much more. Your mind is racing and oddly enough, at the same time, at a complete standstill. On one hand it feels like it is too soon to do anything. You’re just not ready. But at the same time, you feel the weight of all that is coming.

This is stress. It is hard. If you can, reach out to your family and friends and let them help you. Have your son or daughter get the older grandchildren involved in pulling together pictures and music. They are really good at this stuff. Going through the pictures brings back happy memories and it’s one of the most therapeutic chores that comes with funeral preparation. Let them do something that will help them - they are dealing with this loss too.

If would you would like family and friends to donate to a charity, put someone in charge of looking into that. Have your daughter-in-law pull together a few clothing choices for your final selection. Send your son-in-law to the cemetery or have him get the cars washed. You may want to delegate the task of writing the eulogy and obituary. Give someone the job of gathering information for the funeral luncheon or brunch.

Spread the work around. Let go, embrace help and give them something to do. You’ll feel better that things are getting done and they’ll feel better because they are involved and helping.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

How Much Do Funerals Cost?

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:40:31 GMT

How Much Do Funerals Cost?

For most of us, one of our first questions when we think we need a funeral home soon is, “How much will it cost?” It’s understandable that everyone wants a simple answer to this question. Unfortunately, there is no one simple answer.

Think of the last time you bought a pair of shoes. It’s not really helpful to know that the average cost of a pair of shoes is $75.00. So, what does an “average” pair of shoes look like? Shoes come in many different sizes, colors and styles. You wouldn’t expect to call the shoe store and ask, “How much does a pair of shoes cost?” Everyone needs some help finding the right fit for his or her feet. You also understand that you’ll need to share more information about the kind of shoe you are seeking before you find the cost.

It’s the same with funerals. The funeral you choose will need to fit your family’s needs as well as your budget. The funeral director will help you with both. You will be pleased to know funeral homes are required to have standardized prices for everything they do. This price list must be printed and available for you. You should also take comfort in knowing there will be a range of prices associated with the choices you will be making. The funeral director wants you to be satisfied with both the service you select and with the costs associated with those services.

As soon as you are able, it is a good idea to call the funeral home and ask to set up a time to meet with a funeral director to review your options and prices. There should be no cost for this meeting. This is the best way to assure that you understand what is involved with the various services so that you can get the best value for your dollar. You can schedule this kind of meeting with as many funeral homes as you desire.

At first, this may seem like a lot of work. The reality is, however, that you’ll obtain far more information by meeting with the funeral director versus searching online or making phone calls. You’ll save time, too. Don’t wait to set up that meeting if you think you’ll need a funeral home soon.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Funerals are for Saints and Sinners

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:36:57 GMT

Funeral are for Saints and Sinners

These days we’re hearing a lot about life celebrations. A funeral is a ceremony for someone who has died and the survivors. A celebration of life is a funeral with a celebratory feel and it may or may not have a faith-based component. Celebrating the life of the accomplished, the kind, and the generous feels natural. It feels like something we should do.

On the other hand, what do we do about the “broken” people? The bullies, the addicted, the angry, or those who just never got it all together. What do we do when they die? Most of us have one or more imperfect people in our immediate circle.

The loss of one of these folks is real and it hurts. Because they are gone, our lives will not be the same. We may be relieved of a burden, but we are also without hope. The hope that we will get a hug or a kind word is gone. The hope that a child will get sober and realize the potential you knew was there is gone. The hope that we will hear “I’m sorry” or understand the reason behind the addiction, the anger, or the hatred is now gone. It’s painful. Someone we love has died. Having a funeral will help.

It can be hard to know just what to do when “celebration” doesn’t feel right. This may be especially true if a faith-based service does not feel like the right fit. Ask your funeral director for help. There are funeral celebrants who are not attached to a church who can help you find the right fit. Your funeral director can help you find the right person.

Funerals are always for the survivors. Regardless of how the deceased spent their time on this earth, survivors need to gather with each other and their friends. Everyone needs to share in a safe place. All survivors grieve. We all need the opportunity to begin our grief journey in a healthy way. A funeral, a ceremony for someone who has died, is the beginning of that journey.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Control Funeral Costs by Planning Ahead

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:34:22 GMT

Control Funeral Costs by Planning Ahead

How does planning for your funeral in advance save you money? Doesn’t it just let the funeral home make money on your money? How big a part should emotion play in your funeral selections?

First, let’s be honest. Emotion is not a bad thing. Some life events should move us emotionally.

Marriage, birth, and death all appropriately tug at our heartstrings. But the cost of all three can also get out of hand if you make all the decisions when emotions are running high.

Put the word “wedding” in front of anything and the cost doubles. If you’ve ever planned a wedding you know that the dress will cost you half as much if you buy it far in advance instead of just before you need it. The same is true of funerals.

When you and your spouse sit down together with the funeral director, well in advance, you’ll feel a little emotion as you consider the reality of your death.

But that little tug is nothing compared to what your husband or wife will feel if you don’t prepare in advance and they’re making those decisions alone hours after you’ve died.

Emotional overspending happens. Funeral directors don’t make it happen. In fact, they don’t like it either.

Advance planning allows you to make all the decisions that determine the final cost. Making them together with cool heads and warm hearts saves dollars.

Planning ahead eliminates the excessive spending that can occur when someone is in a heightened emotional state.

Think back to wedding planning.

Starting early can also help you absorb the cost over a longer period of time. That means you don’t drag the wedding debt into your brand new marriage.

When you plan your funeral in advance, you will also have the option of paying for it over time. That means you don’t have to take money from your savings or investments and your survivors won’t have the financial burden of paying for your funeral days after your passing. Advance planning eliminates the need for a lump sum payment when death occurs.

All money set aside in advance for a funeral should be held with a third party. Nearly all funeral homes participate in programs that hold the dollars in either insurance or a trust product until the death occurs.

The funeral home should not have access to your funds and the insurance products they use should have an increasing death benefit to help offset inflation, providing a cushion for increasing funeral costs.

Consult with an advance planning specialist for more details.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

Food and Funerals

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:31:13 GMT

Food and Funerals

Why is food such a fundamental part of any funeral?

Food provides comfort and strength. A gift of food shows that we care. It’s natural to connect food with the healing process of a funeral.

When should you give food? What’s helpful without being overwhelming? How do you accept food graciously without having to buy a second refrigerator?

If you’re helping a friend who is dealing with the death of a loved one, a gift of food is appropriate before the funeral, at the conclusion of the funeral, and even weeks or months after the funeral.

As you think about your gift, be aware that your friend may not even know they’re hungry. They likely won’t be able to tell you what they want or need.

Take the initiative and make it easy on them. Call with a simple offer that can be changed to meet the needs of those on the receiving end. You might say something like this:

“I’d like to bring your family dinner tomorrow evening. I thought I’d bring you a turkey roast with a broccoli casserole. Will that work for you? I’ll bring dinner by around 10:30 a.m. It’ll be all ready for you to warm in the oven or microwave.”

When you’re on the receiving end, be gracious, but honest.

Your friends want to help you. If their offer won’t be helpful, give them an opportunity to make a different suggestion.

“Thank you for your offer, but we’re all set for the next few days. May I have a rain check?”

If you’re part of a close circle of friends, consider coordinating with others in your group to cover the family’s food needs on different days and with a variety of dishes.

Consider breakfast food. A basket with granola, muffins, or a breakfast casserole may be a nice change.

Sheet pan dinners, where the entire meal is cooked on one pan in the oven, are easy for both parties. You can find lots of recipes online.

If you don’t cook, consider giving a gift card for a local restaurant that offers take out.

Whatever you do, don’t forget your friend after the funeral is over. Most people find sitting alone at the dinner table one of the bigger challenges of their bereavement.

A loaf of your famous zucchini bread will be greatly appreciated and it’ll be even better if you can share it together over a cup of tea.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

How to Dress for a Funeral

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 15:01:38 GMT

How to Dress for a Funeral

First, understand that what you wear to the funeral is much less important than actually going to the funeral or gathering. Don’t underestimate the value of your presence.

Your kind words, shared stories, or even just a hug will mean a great deal to friends and family when there has been a death. Don’t let not having a pair of dress shoes keep you from offering your support.

That being said, what you wear depends on several different factors. The first thing to consider is who died.

If your 80-year-old grandfather passed, the funeral is likely to be more traditional. His older friends will attend, so you will want to be more conservative.

A pair of slacks and a collared shirt for men and boys will do nicely. If you own a sport coat, by all means wear it. A tie with or without the jacket would be a nice, but not a required, addition.

For the ladies and girls, dress slacks and a nice sweater or blouse will serve the purpose. A dress or skirt would also be lovely. Do pay attention to necklines and length of the skirt.

When the funeral is for a younger person or will not be faith based, it may be more informal.

A celebration of life is typically more relaxed and may even have a theme that the family will ask attendees to support. So if you’re asked to wear golf attire to the funeral of an avid golfer, don’t be surprised.

Like the dress code for most events today, what we wear to a funeral has relaxed. Black is no longer required, but neat, clean, and subdued are always in good taste.

A funeral is not a place to stand out or be the center of attention. As you survey your wardrobe, think in terms of what you would wear to an important job interview or something you would want to wear to apply in person for a bank loan.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

How to Say the Right Thing at a Funeral

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 14:58:21 GMT

How to Say the Right Thing at a Funeral

First, take a deep breath and relax. We all worry that we’ll say the wrong thing.

Second, know that you don’t have to be eloquent. While we wish it were so, you can’t make everything all better with a few words.

Here are a few simple ideas to keep in mind to be sure you say the right thing when attending a funeral.

Don’t underestimate the power of your presence.

It’s important. Just being there says more than you can know.

Keep your words simple.

“I’m sorry for your loss” may be all that is needed.

Share your story.

If you have a brief anecdote about how you interacted with the deceased, share it. Knowing how her sister lit up her workplace may just be the most comforting thing a mourner can hear.

Use the deceased person’s name.

“Mary always made me laugh.” “John had the longest drive, too bad it wasn’t always straight.” “We always knew when Big Bad Byron was in the plant, everyone was on their toes.” “Nobody made better chocolate chip cookies than your mother.”

Avoid using common platitudes.

Resist the temptation to tell the bereaved how they must feel -- “grateful that he is in a better place,” “relieved that his suffering is over,” “grateful for a long life,” etc.

We don’t know how that wife, husband, mother, son, or daughter actually feels. Just say you’re sorry for their loss.

Let them tell you how they feel and accept it with a nod or hug.

Don’t forget about listening.

Listen to understand, not just to hear. Listen to show you care, not to judge. Listen with love, even when you’ve heard the story before.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What to Expect at a Funeral

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 14:53:39 GMT

What to Expect at a Funeral

We’ve all been there. Going to a funeral can be a little daunting, especially if it’s your first or if it’s been awhile since you attended one. Let’s talk a little bit about some of the terms you will hear and what you can expect in general.

There’s a great deal of variety in funeral service today. The funeral home works with the surviving family to help them choose service options that reflect their lifestyle and belief system. The spouse, parents, or children of the deceased determine the content of the service.

The service typically includes:

1. A gathering or visitation

2. A religious ceremony

3. Burial or placement in a final resting location (committal)

4. A luncheon, brunch, or wake

The gathering may be held the evening before the service or the same day as the service.

The religious part of the service may be held in the funeral home chapel or in the family’s place of worship.

At the conclusion of the service, a procession will usually travel to the graveside where the casketed body will be buried. Cremated remains may be buried, placed in a niche, presented to a family member for keeping, or scattered.

The committal service is often followed by a meal at the church, the funeral home’s celebration center, the family home, or a restaurant.

If you are attending a gathering or visitation that takes place before the service, the body may or may not be present. When the body is present in an open casket, attendees will usually approach the casket briefly and silently say a few words of farewell or prayer.

The family may choose to receive their guests informally and casually engage in conversation as they circulate among those attending or they may choose to receive guests in a more formal receiving line.

If you are attending a memorial service, the body will not be present. A memorial service may take place weeks or even months after the passing and may or may not include the presence of cremated remains.

The family may choose to have a memorial service for a variety of reasons. Some religions require that the body be buried immediately, necessitating service after burial. Some families just need more time to come together.

How we celebrate a life is often less formal today.

The service may include pictures and music that reflect the lifetime of the deceased. Work or interests of the deceased are often reflected in objects placed in the room or favors shared with attendees.

Attendees may participate by sharing memories of the deceased. A family member or celebrant may also tell the life story in the form of a eulogy.

Funerals are an important part of the grief journey that all families must travel when they lose a family member.

We attend to support and help the family members transition their thoughts from the cause of death to the life’s legacy. This is so they can begin their long healing process.

Your attendance is appreciated and important.

www.ledfordfamilyfh.com

What Do Funeral Directors Do?

Fri, 17 Jun 2022 14:37:32 GMT